It’s a messed.
It’s a miscommunication.
Abysmal, Oblivion, Vice. I don’t understand anymore what I’m typing above.Well.. anyway for the past 2 days, I was in a campsite doing some event about construct camp. I screw up the last section of feedback at the end.
The speech that I was plan to give was about 10+ minutes long entails the first day that I’ve been waiting for the bus to pick us up. But then, I figured that.. it’s just a feedback, no one wants to hear a lecture on the last day of the camp so I mince every word that isn’t necessary.. or so I think. Every word that I’ve composed is fine and dandy up until the part where I spoke about my social awkwardness.
Its all started when I started to talk about how I was having a hard time in coping with other people, and how to approach them. Some people gives an impression that I’m just simply Shy. No, I am a straightforward guy since a kid and always blurt out something if I feels like it without the need of neuter people’s feeling.
Back when I was a way back in kindergarten, there was a group activity of student holding each others hand doing exercise and aerobic morning exercise or some sort. There’s a girl holding my hand one time and the teacher were so confused as to why every time the girl tries to hold my hand, I’ll yank it out and wipe it with my hand with the expressions of disgust.
When the teachers are teaching in front of the class, I’ll usually stares out of the windows and have a long and unsettling gaze at anything that captures my interest and when the teacher was trying to redirect my attention to the board even when scolding, I won’t budge, I guess this is where the ability, sitzfleisch is being developed. Even when I was being teased in during my family gatherings, I would casually scorn and told them to leave me alone.
When the other kids bring their toys and tries to play it with me, I’ll pack my things and play it elsewhere where I can enjoy the seldom of playing it alone.
The thing is, the message that I was trying to send out during the feedback is that, there are times when I’m in my “deep thinking” mode that I’m completely shutting down every sensory input from the outside world and wanders around in my mind until I’m satisfied. It takes time to actually revert back to the actual world.
There are times, when I find it hard to express my feelings and the need to socialize that it’s turn out to be a homework and draws fatigue. Usually, even a 5 minutes short conversation would lead me to hours of recovery and in need of isolation from “people”.
That is when I’m trying to give another remark that I am not an anti-social. I want to be social and make friends, it’s just that this “cursed” that I’ve been born with that makes it hard. Some people can be extra friendly and cheery for a full day but to me, it’s a work that needs a lot of energy. Which is why sometimes when I’m encountered with any people, I tend to make myself not noticing them because It’ll make my brain goes hay-wired with the recovery that I’m having or simply because it’ll disrupt my deep-thinking mode.
In any case, I’m not introvert or shy. I’m an aspie to begin with and has been diagnosed even as a kid. It’s something that can’t be understood with just mere of meeting me in person. Because I’ve been facing a lot of social training before that it goes completely subtle to the outside world. I’m also feels the loneliness and sometimes in need of a companion, a trustful companion which is why I seek out people but then, I would completely blanked out on how to instigate the conversation.